Ten weeks ago, things changed for our little family. We went from being two to being expectant parents. And while we’re plenty old enough to seem ready for these new roles, it has been quite the emotional roller coaster for both Jeff and I. We had agreed that having a child was something we both wanted to do…we weren’t quite sure when was the best time, but trusted that it would happen when it was supposed to happen. And then, all of sudden, we’re there. It turns out, we will be welcoming a little one the year before Jeff finishes his PHD while I continue my stressful work with abused and neglected kids. And to us, this has at times seemed foolish. But underneath that uncertainty and fear lies the truth that we were never in control of this little miracle. This awesome process where life begins continues to be outside of our grasp, and for that I am grateful. Knowing that God willed this child into being at just the right time gives me peace to trust that, even though it feels a little crazy, it’s perfectly good.
And so I’ve found myself walking down the street on my way to court, and looking at my reflection with a different perspective. I now see a different woman, a baby-carrying-woman, and it has been profound.
And when I’m sick (which has been a lot of the last 10 weeks) and my sweet husband makes soup from scratch so that I don’t miss a meal, my heart fills with joy knowing this guy will be my child’s father.
And as spring approaches, for the first time in my remembered life, I see the trees sprouting their buds. This could be, perhaps, because winter has been so cold and long. It could also be that for the first time, I’m aware of how small life starts out, before it becomes the amazing thing it grows to be.
This new season has been challenging (sickness), but sweet (the excitement of our loved ones), and feels like the very first step on a long road I’m so glad to be travelling.