Dreams

I wasn’t raised to talk about or think much about dreams.  Growing up, we usually did what was practical and expected rather than things that were whimsical or brave.  School, sports, appropriate friendships and relationships, more school; these were the things we focused on.  However, underneath this “typical” shell there was an appreciation for adventure that my parents naturally cultivated.  The idea that you could veer off course and still find your way was planted like a seed in me, and though I set my sights on traditional goals, I also paid attention to off-the beaten-path options.  Somewhere between a road trip to Alaska, an Air Force tour in Germany, and hiking a few miles of the Appalachian trail with my dad, dreams began to take root.  Some were just quiet whispers…thoughts I can remember now but I never spoke out loud.  Some were more concrete, like living abroad or doing a job that really helped in some way.  There have been times in life when I’ve talked about my dreams with friends, musing about where I’d like to travel or who I’d like to marry.  But the other dreams, the most beautiful ones, were too precious to put any weight on.  If I said them out loud, they could be crushed by expectation and so I thought about them but then let them go.  I wouldn’t have admitted them, not even to my best friends, but there they were, deep inside of me.  Some didn’t stick, but I specifically recall sweet, fleeting dreams of having daughters and of growing things in a garden.  It wasn’t that these were bizarre aspirations, it was just that I had no idea how or if they would ever come to pass.

A couple of weeks ago, as I watched Rayna and Della dig and sort rocks in our backyard, I was awestruck.  My secret dreams, the ones I hadn’t even let myself really hope for, had come true.  My life now includes plants I am watching bud and blossom, watering and nurturing as I rake and clip and gather.  And I am chasing and raising these girls, so wonderful and wild as they hold a world of possibility in their little frames.  I didn’t work these things into being…they are gifts, pure and simple.  My gratitude deepened as I allowed myself to really see how amazing a garden and children can be.  Both require a tremendous amount of work, and I probably complain too much about the weeds and the defiance I face daily.  But I love it a whole lot too.  My life is not at all how I’d planned it, but when I take time to appreciate how I spend my days, I realize it is the one I should have hoped for.

And while all this goodness has been taking root, some of my big dreams have had to change.  There was a long time when I wanted a partnership that was the opposite of traditional, one where my husband and I shared in everything equally.  I never imagined being a stay-at-home-mom or being the person responsible for the nitty gritty of running a household.  I had grand aspirations of professional success and assumed a family would just have to fit in around those aims.   Instead of fighting for justice in the courtroom, the path I have chosen with Jeff has led to my fanciest title being “home manager” and my greatest accomplishment many days is getting the laundry folded.  I stepped off the lawyer track and it took a long time to be okay with that, even though it was my decision.  I clung to the old version of my dreams, sometimes dissapointed in myself for not defending them more aggressively.  But time has taught me that it healthy for dreams to change, that my worth is not determined by how many cases I carry or how much money I bring in.  I spent this last year settling into our Oregon life, connecting to a new community while treasuring my family and this home.  And it turns out that for me, that is the dream.

I’m approaching a new season with a return to lawyer work on the horizon, and of course, that will bring huge changes.  Instead of planning how I’ll achieve everything I hope to do, I’m trusting that the things I hope for will someday come to fruition if I just hang on to my faith and my gratitude.   Just like in a garden, there are different stages in this growing life and each have such value.  Here’s to embracing each one in its time.

Love!!!